Thursday, May 3, 2018


I've been up all night.  I just can't get to sleep.  I have been knitting and listening to music and seem to only find sad songs.... 

I think I need to make an appointment with someone.  I feel depression creeping back in.

Why do I feel so down right now?  At first when I tried to figure it out I couldn't think of a reason but then I remembered...

A friend of mine just lost her spouse to cancer.  I'm really sad for her.  I've been thinking of how I would feel if I lost my husband.  I would be completely lost. 

I've also been having dreams about having a baby and every time something goes wrong and I wake up distressed.  My boys are grown and don't care much about me anymore.  I miss spending time with them.  I miss talking with them and getting more than one word answers.  I miss my babies.  I miss my toddlers.  I miss my little boys and I miss my teenagers.  I miss being needed.  I miss having a purpose.

Also, mother's day is really doing me in.  Every website had a mother's day promotion.  Every email has a mother's day theme.... but not everyone has a mother still on earth.

Thursday, April 12, 2018

Good day, bad day(s)

Tuesday I had a doctor appointment in the afternoon and afterwards my husband and I went to eat.  I had a surf and turf and it was so good.  It was nice to spend some time with my husband.  After that, we went to Walmart to look for bulbs.  I was hoping to find tulip bulbs but they didn´t have any yet.  They did have some other bulbs though.  I bought some gladiolus and lilies and a few other ones I don´t remember the name of.  I need to look up online to learn about planting those.  Hopefully the stores will be getting some tulips soon.  One of my sons works at Fred Meyer so he will watch for them there.  The snow is melting fast so I hope they arrive soon.

After Walmart we went to Joanns to get some charm chain with leaves I needed to make a necklace to match a bracelet I made.  I wore it that day and wished I had a necklace to go with it.  I´m glad I had it on so I could make sure to find the same leaf charm chain.  I was glad they still had some and I also found some elephants and seahorses.

Now I really want to make something but I´ve been in bed all day.  I am in a lot of pain today and have been exhausted.  I woke up around 10 am but couldn´t stay awake.   I feel back asleep and was still sleeping when my husband came home around 7 pm.  I did some Restorative Yoga at home to see if that helped.  Now I just need to rest and hope I feel better tomorrow.  

Monday, April 9, 2018

Computers, I just want to kill them when they die

Of course, it hard to kill something that is dead.

My laptop died and I knew something was wrong with it.  I had even mentioned it to my husband (my IT guy).  He said I should back up my files.  Of course, I hadn't done that yet when it died.  My younger son gave me another laptop to use until that gets fixed but it is so different than mine that it was making me crazy.  It also kept updating forever!  It was either windows 8 or 7 so it updated to windows 10 and then there were a few more updates.  I couldn't get a few other things to work and ended up downloading drivers.  I still can't get my wireless earbuds to work with it though.  Grrr.

I impatiently waited for someone to look at my laptop.  Everyone here is good with computers.  My husband works in IT and my oldest son is working on his computer science degree to do the same thing.  My younger son learns by doing and googling.  When I have a problem my youngest son usually fixes it.  If he can't than I ask my older son but he is taking classes and working full time.  If he can't fix it than I ask my husband who never wants to work on computers after working all day.  So I ended up waiting till Saturday.  I let my husband sleep in.  I made him breakfast.  I waited when he took a nap.  Finally, my oldest son came out and I asked him if he'd look at my computer.  He opened it up.......... and it just worked.

On Saturday morning, before I asked him to look at it, I opened it up just to see if it was doing the same thing still and it was.  I got a black screen with the message that it was running a repair thing and that I should not turn off my computer.  Before, it would do that forever and then it would just go totally black.  I've left it on for hours with no result.  Right after it died my younger son downloaded some program online and ran a diagnostic on it and it downloaded some files (maybe drivers) and did something but he said it didn't seem to be fixed.  That last time on Saturday morning when I saw the message I just closed the laptop but it would have stayed on.  It would stay on for a little while before eventually going to sleep.  When my oldest son opened it and asked me what my password was I was surprised because it never showed that.  I just logged in and it worked.

Now my files are backed up and I am so glad!  I'm still a little nervous about using that laptop though.  I'm currently using the one my son loaned me.  I got used to it and the Edge browser so now I think I want to keep this one in my room so I can use it in bed.  Some days I feel too bad to get up so I stay in bed and rest.  I can keep my other one in the living room and have them both plugged in so they won't die.  Before, if I had my computer in my room I had to get the power cord and the only outlet that can reach is behind my headboard.  Now I can keep this one plugged in and my other laptop can stay in the living room.  This one wasn't being used.  My son had planned to return it but he never did.  So I ended up with two laptops.

Friday, March 30, 2018

Back with Babbles

I know this will be a huge surprise but I have decided to get back to writing here.  I thought I would keep an actual paper journal this year but it doesn't seem to be happening.  I do have a cute blank book that I bought at Joann's that is cut in the shape of a letter D.  I decided to use that as a journal and use colored fine tipped sharpies to add quick journals and doodles.  I planned to add something daily but as it turns out I have too many days where I feel bad and don't get out of bed.  I never like to write about feeling bad because that's too depressing.  When I feel bad I want to think about positive things to keep my spirit up.  Sometimes that is very hard so I just listen to music in bed and rest and I don't journal.  I have been working at keeping my mind blank and stopping the constant chatter in my head.  I just listen to music and try to relax.  Sometimes I read a quote and try to focus on that.  That is why I sometimes only write a quote in my journal with no notes about it.  It is really hard to write about anything when I'm in a lot of pain.  It is even hard to talk when in pain.  Many people don't understand how difficult it is to just form sentences when in a lot of pain.  You have to think about what you are going to say too and thinking is totally out when pain is to the roof.  That is why I don't want to talk or text or anything when I feel bad.  I just want to zone out.  

Anyway, I have found that it is easier to let my thoughts flow freely here.  I am going to work at writing here more often.  Sometimes I do fall to the negative and type out of bunch of stuff and then just delete it.  It does help to get that out of my system but then deleting it is freeing.

I was just thinking that I am so glad that I can fall hopelessly in love with anything I want to and it doesn't matter what anyone thinks about it.  It is like how you can fall hopelessly in love with someone famous, like Brad Pitt, and it doesn't matter.  It isn't like he is going to care or even take notice.  He has no choice in the matter actually.  Not that I like Brad Pitt but his name was the first to come to mind.  I'm actually hopelessly in love with my husband and it is really amazing how I can keep falling more and more in love with him.  He is constantly surprising me and becoming more and more loving and sweet with age.  I am so blessed.  

So, currently, I am hopelessly in love with beading.  I can't think about anything else.  I love to play around with them and often spend hours tinkering with beads, putting different ones together to see how they would look and then trying a different combination.  Sometimes I never end up making anything with them but I enjoyed the play.  I have been posting pictures of things I have made on Instagram.  

I have a stack of beading books and I am just getting started learning what I can do.  I decided to start with a book called Beading Basics by Carol Rodgers.  This is definitely a book for totally new beginners.  It has instructions for the most basic aspects of beading so someone who has already been beading would find it useless.  I also found that the page teaching peyote is not even correct or complete so I learned that online.  I did learn a lot from it about the various beads and findings, bead looming and various bead weaving stitches but I usually end up looking up the various things mentioned to learn more about them than was in the book.  I have been learning a lot from  They have a lot of great videos showing how to use the products they sell and project tutorials and beading tips etc.  Their videos are on youtube so you can look up their channel and subscribe to be alerted when more are added.  I am working my way through the projects in the book Beading Basics now.  I have to say, this is the book I started with because I had it already on my shelf but I am sure it is not the best beginning beading book out there.  I have been frustrated several times because of information I didn't find, like the size of beads in some places and mistakes in others.  I really think, before someone writes a book like this, they should sit down with a group of people wanting to learn beading, teach them, and take note of their questions for the book.  One thing I wondered that I had a difficult time finding the answer to was how beads were measured.  I know beads are measured using a caliper which you close down over the bead and it measures the bead or the hole etc.  What I wanted to know was, in a pattern that says to use a certain size bead, do they measure from top to bottom (hole to hole) or the other direction?  This is important if the bead is not round or square. The first pattern in this book was for a single strand necklace and it specified which beads to get.  The problem was I really didn't like it (because I'm not 80 yet) and wanted to use different beads.  Since the pattern did not say the actual finished length of the necklace I wanted to find beads I liked that would be the same size so when I followed the pattern it should work out.  I did not find the answer to this online by searching but I found a beading forum on facebook and asked the question there.  I was told the beads were measured top to bottom, hole to hole.  This is the type of question that might seem obvious to people who already bead but not to someone completely new to it.  

My necklace, and the matching earrings for which I did not follow the pattern in the book, turned out nice and more my style.  

I'm not sure if I will still be so hooked on beading as the weather gets warmer and the snow clears.  I am really itching to get outside and walk again.  Right now it is actually nice enough but the ground is very slick.  I have a hard time just walking to my mailbox without falling so I'm waiting for the snow and ice to melt.  I can't wait to see the first peaks and green and flowers.  My youngest son has been taking Buddy the beagle for walks though since it is warm enough for him.  He loves to run so it is difficult for me to control him.  I certainly couldn't do that and keep from falling so I'm so glad he is taking him.  

Later gaters, 

Saturday, December 9, 2017

Stitching again

I haven´t been able to focus enough to read for some reason.  I have read a lot for almost this entire year and then suddenly I can´t concentrate.  I even tried audio books.  I listened to an audio book in November and it took me so long to get through the book.  I just keep losing track of where I am.  I have been trying to read a book now and I just can´t take it in.  

My husband told me one day in early November that on of his co-workers had a baby and he wanted me to make them a baby blanket.  I asked him what colors and the father said ¨Green Bay Packer colors.¨  I wanted to crochet something so I could get it done faster since the baby was already born.  My husband picked out the pattern. I had a really hard time finding sport weight yarn for it in those dark colors.  I ended up ordering Shine Sport from  I finished it pretty quickly and I´m surprised my brain let me focus on it. It was a pretty easy pattern and all I had to think about was carrying the 2nd color and making sure it didn´t show or look bad.  

Wee Irish Chain

I am trying to get back to writing to my penpals but so far I´ve only sent out a few letters and cards.  I´m trying though.  It will just take me a bit to get around to everyone. My days are short since I have been sleeping so much.


Wednesday, October 25, 2017

I´m still here

I finally got over my nasty sinus infection and have restarted my Humira injections and the Methotrexate.  It has been over 2 weeks but so far I haven´t felt any relief from my pain.  I´ve been spending a lot of time in my bed because the pain in my hips and lower back is just too much to move around much.  Sometimes I wake up in pain and can´t get comfortable so I can get back to sleep.  Now my sleeping schedule is getting turned around again.  I´ve been sleeping till 1 pm or so.  We have been having cold weather and snow so that also flares up my pain. 

My husband was very sweet and helped me with my closet. I had a small dresser in my closet because my room is too small to have a dresser outside my closet.  It wasn´t constructed very well and didn´t have that support in the drawers that keeps them straight when you pull them out.  The drawers would get crooked and then stick.  I am so weak because of the pain in my joints that I couldn´t get to my clothes or put them away without a lot of frustrations and pain.  My husband went to Lowes and bought a closet organizer with drawers that glide with ease.  It also has divides on side of my closet in two so I have a long shelf in the middle with a clothes rode above and below.  The long shelf at the top got raised so no way can I reach it now but my seasonal clothes can go up there and my husband can get them down for me when needed. 

I went through my closet (very, very slowly) and pulled out a bunch of things to donate or toss.  Now I have a nice organized closet with a place for everything.  It really feels good.

I´ve been reading a lot whenever I was awake in bed.  I´m finishing up the books on my Halloween reading list now and then I´ll be ready for my next project.  I´m working on Genealogy and I want to learn more about Colonial America.  I´m working on my list for that now and have two books on the way.

I haven´t gotten back to my penpals yet but I haven´t forgotten about anyone.  I just can´t write very well with the pain in my hands.  Typing doesn´t feel so great either so I´ll call this finished.

Take care,

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Super sick

I haven´t posted in a long time and that is because I´ve been super sick and in really bad pain for most of the summer.  I try not to dwell on it but it really gets difficult.  I went to my Rheumatologist in June and I was in horrible pain then.  He got my lab results about a month before that and they showed my liver enzymes were elevated.  He decreased my dose of Methotrexate and after a month they were almost back to normal.  The problem is my pain was higher than ever.  He decided to start me on Humira injections but it took forever to get that going and be able to start taking it.  I hate needles and my husband has to do it for me.  They did start helping but the very same day I noticed a decrease in my pain I got sick.  My whole family got this horrible stomach Flu. It was one of those bugs that just doesn´t want to go away.  I ended up getting sinusitis and then a really bad sinus infection.  The first round of antibiotics didn´t work and it got even worse.  The doctor was really surprised when he looked.  He started me on a different antibiotic for 2 weeks and it is sloooowwwly improving or more like shrinking.  I think the sinusitis is improving faster.  It is nice to be able to breath through my nose again.

Anyway, because I have an infection I have to completely stop taking my immunosuppressant drugs that help with my pain.  Now I am in so much pain I can hardly walk.  I´ve been spending a lot of time in bed and reading when I can.  I can´t wait until this infection is gone and I can start taking my meds again.  I´m really grateful for a friend who recommended lidocane pain patches.  I don´t do the shopping anymore so I didn´t even know they existed.  One of my husband´s coworkers told him about Tiger Balm and he saw they had patches too.  I can only use one lidocane patch at a time so I currently have a lidocane patch on one hip and a tiger Balm patch on the other.  I actually think the Tiger balm patch side feels better.  Thank goodness my shoulders are not hurting so bad today or I´d be covered in patches.

I just keep thinking of that line kids used to write when they signed my yearbooks - Keep on Keeping on.  That is what I´m doing.