Thursday, September 29, 2016

Beautiful pain

How can something so beautiful cause so much pain?

I look outside and I see the most beautiful fall colored carpet surrounding the trees. It is almost as if the trees are dancers dressed for a autumnal ball in golden, russet, amber and scarlet gowns flowing in gleaming satin circles around them. The men, standing straight and tall in their evergreen suits and matching pocket squares, guiding them around the room in elegant patterns. Then, as if the scene wasn't glorious enough, large flakes of snow catch the light as it ever-so-slowly drifts to the ground like feathers from angel's wings.  Can you see it too?

I woke up in the most pain I've had in a long time. After the snow melted it started to rain and that is when my pain shot through the roof. The doctor's would ask me what number I'd give it on a scale of 1-10. The numbers all start to blur together at some point and I can't even think straight to think about it. I do know though, that it is the most beautiful pain. Who knew, changing weather could do that?

I've been trying to do things this week but I can't. I can't think. I can't read. I can't do any of the things I like to do. It is so strange for me to go a whole week without cracking open a book or 3. I also have a knitting project I'm anxious to work on but it is a challenging one and I'm so afraid to mess it up. I started to watch this week's episodes of The Voice on Hulu but I couldn't focus on it. I keep spacing out so I decided to watch it later. Now I'm watching some old episodes of Bones, which I love.

The days of this week have all gotten muddled together and I have spent a lot of time sleeping or snuggled deep in a pile of blankets. Music helps. Sometimes I like slow, sad music and other times I need angry, rock music.

I'm just glad that this will pass and the pain will decrease to more tolerable levels again. Then, I'll be back to "I CAN" and I will.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Day dreamer, night time reader

Currently Reading: Miss Peregrine's Home For Peculiar children by Ransom Riggs

I'm kind of bouncing back from being sick now and my sleeping schedule is completely turned around. I really hate it when that happens. Now I'm trying to correct it but I keep waking up after 4 or 5 pm. How backwards is that? Well, it is kind of nice to have all of that quiet time to myself to read and knit. No one is asking for things or saying "mom?" but then again I don't get to see the sunshine and the beautiful fall colors outside right now.

Meandering Rib Scarf by Lion Brand Yarn
I've been knitting a scarf for my husband and I'm pretty proud of myself since I'm almost finished now. I initially decided to make this scarf for my husband 2 years ago! I was having so much trouble and getting mixed up in the pattern since it was written in such a confusing way (I think).  It is a free pattern so I guess I shouldn't complain. I've seen patterns that say for row # X repeat row A or something like that but this one really does a lot of repeating like that and gets really confusing. Normally I just use a sticky note to keep track of where I am in a pattern but with this one I get to row 9 and it says "repeat row 6" so I need another sticky note to put at row 6. Then I get to Rows 15 and 16 and it says "Repeat rows 11 and 12".... I go to Row 11 and it says "Rep row 4" and then row 12 says repeat row 3. I finally just took the pattern and copied it into a word processor and whenever it said to repeat another row I just pasted in those directions instead. Then I can just move down the list and not have to jump all over the place. Now I am almost finished and I will be so happy when I can give it to my wonderful husband.

I just started reading a new book that my husband bought me. I just saw the preview for the movie coming out at the end of the month and told my husband I'd like to go see it. Later, when we stopped at the store to pick up a few things he picked up this book for me while I was in the restroom. He was being sneaky. He knows I like to read the books before seeing the movies based on them. I haven't gotten far but so far it is interesting and funny.

Also, while I was headed to the restroom I just happened to run into a girl I went to school with. I know that probably happens a lot to people but not to me. I went to a small private school and did not have a very good experience there. Those kids were really mean and I spent most of my time there alone. It was the same for her but she is older and not in the same class I was. Really, if it were just about anyone else I'd probably duck and hide but I was actually happy to see her and we talked a while and exchanged phone numbers. She has a beautiful daughter of about 7 or 8 I think and she was the sweetest girl! I said something to her mom and she said "That is so sweet!" and she gave me a big hug.

Okay, there is one more thing to mention. I have decided to get back into tatting. I taught myself how to tat with a shuttle using the internet and then I was taking an online class to learn how to needle tat. I enjoy it so I really should have kept up with it. I just started having such bad pain from my fibromyalgia and other problems and I tend to only want to crochet when I feel like that. I have been crocheting since I was a kid so I can do that without much thought. If I am really hurting I'll sometimes just start crocheting a swatch and take it out later. It just gives me something else to focus on and usually my stitches are way too tight when I'm in pain. It gets me through it though. Anyway, I am going to go back to using the shuttles and start learning again and hopefully make some pretty things. I think it will be fun. I just happened to find my 3 ring binder I put together for tatting patterns and learning material. I even put a zippered pencil pouch in there (that clips onto the metal rings) to hold my shuttles and current project. I just hope I haven't forgotten what I learned.

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Slow day

Today is a very slow day.  I have been sleeping in later and later since it rained on Monday.  My fibromyalgia always flares up when it rains or when the pressure changes drastically. It rained the entire day and night and it is still wet outside today (Wed).  My back started to hurt last night and I'm not sure if I pulled something or if it is my kidneys. I'm drinking a lot of water just in case and just sitting with my back firmly supported and trying not to move. Because of that I've been doing a lot of reading lately which is something I enjoy.

Right now I am reading a book on Spirituality.  It is called The Unbound Soul by Richard L. Haight. I am really enjoying this book and I know it will be one I will go back to a lot. I've highlighted several passages and bookmarked pages. I believe in God but I have had many bad experiences with churches and pastors etc. Essentially, I lost my faith in people but not in God. It took me a long time to get it into my head that people are fallible and no matter what they preach they can still make mistakes. I have also been intrigued by different religions and how many of them overlap in some beliefs or ideals. I never felt comfortable when a religion/church organization instructs people to go out and convert people to their faith. I really am not completely sure myself which faith/belief system is completely 100% correct. What if I'm the one who is wrong?

I went to get my nails done this one time at a new salon that was having a grand opening. As I talked to the Asian man doing my nails I learned that his girlfriend had recently died of cancer. He was deeply spiritual and I could feel it. When he spoke of her his face glowed. I could literally feel his pain and his love as he spoke. He told me she was there "walking around us." He was so sure of that and he said he could feel her presence. I was thinking to myself, "how could anyone tell this man that his beliefs were wrong?" I certainly wasn't going to. I found myself wanting what he had, even with his grief. He had something powerful that was keeping him going - keeping him living through sadness and difficulty.

Anyway, in this book Richard Haight tells several stories about his spiritual experiences and they truly are amazing. I am usually very skeptical of people with stories like these but that is because they come with palm extended for money. I found myself not finding that usual skepticism bubbling to the surface but faith.  I really think this book is full of promise and the more I read the more hope I have. With any book like this, when I come to parts or stories I'm unsure of, I just set them on a back burner and keep going. I don't put them completely out of mind because I want to keep an open mind. I am marking parts that really draw me so I can go back and study them more and put the ideas into action. I have never tried meditation but I've heard of other people that do. I just never knew how to go about it. This book describes the process of what he calls Observation Meditation. I'm going to work on putting this into practice and see what happens. It can't hurt - and certainly not more than I already do with my fibromyaglia pain.  Who knows, maybe this can help with that.

Richard Haight has recently joined the community as a goodreads author. I was very glad to see that. He also has a website;