It's Christmas morning...

and I don't know why I feel sad and empty.  It's almost 2 am and I'm still awake. 

I think part of my problems is....  feeling so useless. 

My husband's family always opened presents on Christmas eve for some reason so we did that too.  When the kid's were little they opened the presents from us and then in the morning they got the presents from Santa.  Anyway, our little family opened presents on tonight (Monday night) and it just made me miss my little boys.  I miss my babies and kissing their fuzzy little heads.  I miss my toddlers and how they were so sweet in completely different ways.  I really miss those 4 year olds... that was my favorite age for them both.  Most of all, I miss being needed.  I miss being missed. 

My baby will be turning 22 on Jan 19th and I often feel like our roles have reversed.  He picks up the house, cooks, and tells me to put away my books....  and I whine and say I'm too tired.  I am always so tired and so achy it hurts to move.  I am always forgetting everything.  Maybe it's the fibro-fog, maybe it's all the medications they have me on, or maybe I'm just getting old but I am always forgetting.  Oh well, at least I'm still alive and I've got my family to remind me when I forget. 

I am really hoping that the Keto diet will eventually help lower my inflammation levels and I'll start to feel better.  I've been having a lot of pain lately.  I have been trying to do at least 15 minutes on my treadmill every day but sometimes I just can't stand up for more than a minute or so.  I always try though.  Some days the walking helps but some days I just can't do it.  So far it seems I can't do more than 15 minutes but if I rest a while I can sometimes do another 15 minutes.  I just have to break it up.  I have to be careful not to try to do too much or go too fast or I won't be able to get out of bed the next day.  That treadmill is definitely the best present I could have gotten for my birthday though.  I'm glad I asked for it. 

It is almost the end of December now and I have have lost 15 pounds since Nov 1st.  I am going to keep working at it through the next year and see how far I can get.  I'm right at the edge of being able to go down a size.  My 2x clothes are big but I'm waiting before buying anything.  I still have a few XL tops that I want to get into before doing that.  I also have some size 16 jeans.  The leggings I have should fit okay for a while too.  I really just want to wait for spring and summer to buy new clothes because I hate the dark, gloomy colors they have out right now.  I don't want to wear black and gray.  I want to wear colors and flowers! 

Okay, I really need to try to get some sleep so I don't sleep all day tomorrow. 

I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas Day!

DJ

The year is almost over

Maybe everyone will stop dying once the calendar changes to 2017. I know if I were famous I'd be to scared to sleep.

We had a good Christmas here although I didn't take ANY pictures. The boys are grown now so Christmas isn't so exciting. We were pretty laid back. We ended up celebrating on Christmas eve since my husband's brother and his wife were going to come over then. My sister in law ended up not showing but my brother in law did. I had my schedule turned up-side-down again since I had a few days where I was sleeping all day. I started cooking in the evening and stayed up all night. I made a couple of pies and a bunch of cookies and planned out when to start cooking the other stuff.  I figured I'd get stuff started and take a nap while someone else took over. Problem was no one did. When I finally laid down I was dog tired and then I couldn't sleep because I was worried I wouldn't hear the timer go off. I finally got a few hours of sleep and then got up and enjoyed the company and a movie. Buddy was a ball of energy and loved the attention he got.

You know, it is really hard to pick out gifts for my boys now that they are grown. They are 19 and 21 but have birthday's coming up soon..... which of course means I'll have to go through this again. My oldest is working now and if he needs something he just gets it. He is currently manning the gas station but it is part of a retail store so on his break he buys stuff he needs. My youngest doesn't have a job right now but he has money in his account still so that pretty much applies to him too. They are into computer stuff and I just don't know enough about that stuff. It was so much easier when they were little and I could buy something with flashing lights and buttons that make noise.

We had a small Christmas this year because my husband's job is kinda rocky right now so we didn't want to go too crazy and then him lose his job. I've always told my boys Christmas isn't about being greedy.  It is about the joy of giving not receiving. Even when they were little we would give them money to buy a small gift for the other people in the family. You don't have to spend a lot to find a meaningful gift. I mainly got them things they needed so they could spend their money on what they wanted.

Well, the doctors always tell me I have to make sure and get enough sleep because the Fibromyalgia flares up if I don't. I ended up sleeping most of Christmas day and the next day. I'm still trying to get my schedule turned around so I can be awake during the day. I was in a lot of pain but then I read that we are expecting a big storm here this week. They said we are going to be getting a lot of snow and wind and usually that causes power lines to go down. I'm pretty sure that is what is causing me to hurt. It started snowing during the night. I'll probably feel better once that is over and passed us.

Good morning afternoon

So I woke up today at 3:40 pm. It was already pretty much dark outside.  I live in Alaska so it gets dark early here.  The lights were all off except the Christmas tree with just white lights and lots of sparkly clear ornaments in the shape of snowflakes and ice cycles.  I just turned on some soft music and enjoyed the atmosphere.

Happy 2015.  I'm determined to have a better year than last year.

My main goal this year is to lose weight and get healthier.  I need to work on muscle strength.

I know that everyone pretty much has that same goal but for me it is different. I have been gaining weight because of the chronic pain and not being able to do a lot of things that I used to.  When I exercise I get flares of pain and then later or the next day it is even worse because I get a fibromyalgia flare up.  I try very hard to limit myself so I don't cause a flare up but it is hard to know when is too much.  People like to tell me "no pain no gain" and I just want to sock them in the head because they have no idea what they are talking about.  Pain from muscle soreness is way way different than this.

Anyway, I got some resistance bands and I'm going to use those to help build up some muscle.  I am very weak so I easily pull muscles I didn't even know I had.  The worst is when I pull a muscle in my ribs or I get muscle spasms all over the place.  I am going to start very very small and just work my way up from there.

My secondary goal is to work on my house and organize and purge a lot of junk.  I already started some in December.  I had all these different tubs of Christmas ornaments in different color schemes. I donated all the red and gold ornaments except my old fashioned style ones.  My favorite color scheme is blue and silver/white.  I can't really do much with the tree anymore and my boys are too old now and just don't want to.  It just doesn't feel right to make them decorate the Christmas tree. It kind of kills the spirit.  So really, what is the point in going through all the work in they don't care.  I realized it is just for me now.  I like having a Christmas tree.  So I am slowly working my way through the decorations I have and donating a ton of it.

I've decided to do this yearly challenge again from a website called Home Storage Solutions 101. I've done it before but not entirely.  I just skipped around and did a few things.  A lot of the time I just can't do anything because of my health so I can only do what I can.  They do have a monthly calendar with missions and things so this year I plan on putting it on the frig so the rest of the family can help too.  Last time I was just doing a screen print and making the current month my desktop image.  I hate printing everything and having to deal with all the papers and where to keep them.  This year I'll welcome the help and I'm sure my husband will be all for it.  They even have a new facebook group for this years challenge.

So there ya go.  I am just like everyone else who most likely has the same two goals.  These are not resolutions though.  I will not feel like a failure if I don't lose 20 lbs or finish the organizational challenge.  I'll feel good just knowing I tried and did the best I could.

Merry Christmas

I'm having a hard time as usual with all the aches and pains from the cold but there is also that additional pain from missing my mom at Christmas.  My mom died Feb 16, 2008 and I still miss her every single day.  It is just always more difficult when my birthday comes around and I know she would have called me.  My birthday was on thanksgiving this year.  Then just a little bit later is her birthday on December 8th and of course Christmas Day is hard too.  Well, all I can do is think of her and make some new wonderful memories with my family that are here.

Here is some nice Christmas music from the first, third, and sixth seasons of Bones to get the spirit of Christmas flowing strong.

Season 5, Episode 10