It's Christmas morning...

and I don't know why I feel sad and empty.  It's almost 2 am and I'm still awake. 

I think part of my problems is....  feeling so useless. 

My husband's family always opened presents on Christmas eve for some reason so we did that too.  When the kid's were little they opened the presents from us and then in the morning they got the presents from Santa.  Anyway, our little family opened presents on tonight (Monday night) and it just made me miss my little boys.  I miss my babies and kissing their fuzzy little heads.  I miss my toddlers and how they were so sweet in completely different ways.  I really miss those 4 year olds... that was my favorite age for them both.  Most of all, I miss being needed.  I miss being missed. 

My baby will be turning 22 on Jan 19th and I often feel like our roles have reversed.  He picks up the house, cooks, and tells me to put away my books....  and I whine and say I'm too tired.  I am always so tired and so achy it hurts to move.  I am always forgetting everything.  Maybe it's the fibro-fog, maybe it's all the medications they have me on, or maybe I'm just getting old but I am always forgetting.  Oh well, at least I'm still alive and I've got my family to remind me when I forget. 

I am really hoping that the Keto diet will eventually help lower my inflammation levels and I'll start to feel better.  I've been having a lot of pain lately.  I have been trying to do at least 15 minutes on my treadmill every day but sometimes I just can't stand up for more than a minute or so.  I always try though.  Some days the walking helps but some days I just can't do it.  So far it seems I can't do more than 15 minutes but if I rest a while I can sometimes do another 15 minutes.  I just have to break it up.  I have to be careful not to try to do too much or go too fast or I won't be able to get out of bed the next day.  That treadmill is definitely the best present I could have gotten for my birthday though.  I'm glad I asked for it. 

It is almost the end of December now and I have have lost 15 pounds since Nov 1st.  I am going to keep working at it through the next year and see how far I can get.  I'm right at the edge of being able to go down a size.  My 2x clothes are big but I'm waiting before buying anything.  I still have a few XL tops that I want to get into before doing that.  I also have some size 16 jeans.  The leggings I have should fit okay for a while too.  I really just want to wait for spring and summer to buy new clothes because I hate the dark, gloomy colors they have out right now.  I don't want to wear black and gray.  I want to wear colors and flowers! 

Okay, I really need to try to get some sleep so I don't sleep all day tomorrow. 

I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas Day!

DJ

A happy November

In October my sister told me about the Keto diet.  She and her husband had been doing it and they had both lost a lot of weight.  I was feeling really bad right then so I told her I'd look into it but I was very skeptical.  Then I heard my brother was doing it to and had lost 70 lbs!  My sister said it was supposed to help reduce inflammation and thought it might be able to help me.  I'm always so skeptical about these things.  People are mostly out to make money and profit off of people who are suffering.  After I talked to my sister I kept hearing more about it and did some googling.  I finally found a site that outlined what you can and can't eat.  While you can't eat bread, sugar, fruits etc you can have fatty stuff like meat and bacon.  I like veggies so that's not a problem.  Once I realized I could eat food I liked I decided to give it a try.  I started on November 1st.  Now it is the last day of November and I have lost 12 lbs!  I've lost 1.2 % body fat and my lean muscle mass has increased by 16.3%.  I've lost 4.5 inches off my waist. I even lost 1.25 inches from my neck!  I still have a long way to go so I really hope I have the will power.  Thanksgiving and my birthday sure were hard.  

For Thanksgiving I had planned out some yummy stuff for me to eat but it was still hard seeing the pies and corn on the cob etc.  I love corn!  Then my husband went to a poker party and we ended up with one of those assortments of cheese cake in our fridge.  OMG!  I was so so close to just wolfing one of those down.  I even had it in my hand but then I looked at the label and knew how bad it would set me back.  I put it away and put something in front of it to block it.  I've been bribing my kids to eat it.

Earlier in the month, I decided I wanted a new hair do to go with my new me.  My gray was starting to show at the roots and my cut had grown out.  My bangs were past my ear.  I saw a music video and liked the highlights the woman had.  I looked through lots of pictures before I finally decided on what I wanted.  It wasn't really like any of the pictures so I ended up explaining it to my stylist, who is amazing, and she did a perfect job.  I'm allergic to PPD (p-phenylenediamine) so I have to be careful with hair color.  I had her just clean up my ends a little and kept my hair long with no bangs.  It feels really good to have a new hairstyle.  The color looks darker in this picture but there is gold and a warmer brown blended in with my normal color.  The gold doesn't show up in that picture for some reason.  

My birthday was Tuesday the 27th.  My husband bought ordered me a treadmill so I could walk during the winter when it's too cold and slick.  It arrived on the 28th so I've only had it a few days.  It's a nice one that folds up easily and lowers itself when you push this bar with your foot.  That's great because I hate having to rely on other people to do things for me.  Right now it is in my kitchen so we still have to find a better spot for it.  I think I'm going to move it over by out front window so I can look out the window while I walk.  

Anyway, I've had a good month.  I've still had some flare ups when it snows or the atmospheric pressure drops but for the most part I'm feeling better.  I didn't have a single IBS flare up this month which is crazy since they told me it was caused by eating fat.  I was avoiding fats and oils for a long time but still getting really sick about once a week.  I didn't even think about that when I started the Keto diet where you decrease your carbs and increase the FAT!  Sometimes my colon would start spasming on the right side and it was like watching a baby move in a pregnant woman's belly.  That also didn't happen this month.  One person thinks it could be that I'm not eating wheat anymore but I can't really be sure.  Whatever it is, I'm glad I'm doing better.  

DJ

Welcome to a new year

Currently reading: L is for Lawless by Sue Grafton

I am hopeful for this new year and ready for the blessings it can bring. Every year I choose a word and phase to focus on and this year I've chosen "Move" and "Get up and move!" I print up images to put in places around the house to remind me. This year I really want to focus on pushing myself to move more because I really need to lose weight. It is so hard to exercise when just regular movement hurts but I have to do it or I will keep gaining and not losing. I have been trying to lose weight for years and only managed to hold steady, however, a new drug I started taking causes weight gain and I found myself losing the fight. I started to gain even though I've been careful about what I eat and how much. That medicine is actually working so I am pushing myself to move more and build up muscle that I've lost. I started this week and I feel the muscle soreness plus the extra pain from the Fibromyalgia but it isn't the worst pain I've had. Getting the inflammation under control has helped the worst of the pain and I have more energy and want to clean up. I found myself wanting to do some super early spring cleaning and started yesterday on my kitchen. I'm feeling ambitious but know I have to hold myself back and take breaks so I don't over do it.

I looked back at my reading goal from last year and the books I read and I'm happy to say I did meet my goal. I did play it a bit safe since I know how frustrating it is when I can't focus to read because of bad pain or fibrofog. I set my goal at 24 books with the stipulation that half had to leave the house to make room on my shelves. I actually read 31 although a few of those were children's books or other short books. I am upping the challenge a bit this year by setting my goal at 40 with needing to be books I already have and those books have to go.  I am also choosing to read more historical fiction this year. I have only read a few and I really liked them.  I think it will be good to broaden my reading horizon. I also really want to finish reading the Sue Grafton Alphabet series. I have all but 2 of those. I also want to start over again reading the Blossom Street Series by Debbie Macomber.  That is one of my favorite series and I noticed that there were more books in the series that I never read. I've been acquiring those though Paperbackswap.com and I am anxious to reread my old favorites and see what the other books are like. I'm not big on romance so I hope the newer once don't get too far into that territory.

My little Buddy is getting big and seems to be close to full grown though he still looks like a puppy in the face. I love him so much. He is not at all like my old friend Blue that I lost who was a sweet mellow lady. Buddy is hyper and loves to play. He loves everyone and doesn't bark at everything like Blue did. He is really quite and the only times we've heard him bark or yip are rare, only one bark each time and he seems startled by his own voice. Everyone in the house stops to play with him every day and my youngest son spends the most time with him. Buddy loves him so much and looks for him every day. Yesterday my son wasn't feeling well and slept in late and Buddy actually moped about watching his door or laying by it. He was so happy when he finally came out. It is so sweet to see how much Buddy loves Riley but he loves everyone else too and squeals with joy when anyone comes in the door and loves to see new people too. He's brings us so much joy and that is good since our hearts still hurt missing our old friend Blue. I know I think of her a lot and miss her presence.