Sad

I've been up all night.  I just can't get to sleep.  I have been knitting and listening to music and seem to only find sad songs.... 

I think I need to make an appointment with someone.  I feel depression creeping back in.

Why do I feel so down right now?  At first when I tried to figure it out I couldn't think of a reason but then I remembered...

A friend of mine just lost her spouse to cancer.  I'm really sad for her.  I've been thinking of how I would feel if I lost my husband.  I would be completely lost. 

I've also been having dreams about having a baby and every time something goes wrong and I wake up distressed.  My boys are grown and don't care much about me anymore.  I miss spending time with them.  I miss talking with them and getting more than one word answers.  I miss my babies.  I miss my toddlers.  I miss my little boys and I miss my teenagers.  I miss being needed.  I miss having a purpose.

Also, mother's day is really doing me in.  Every website had a mother's day promotion.  Every email has a mother's day theme.... but not everyone has a mother still on earth.

You

The natural state of motherhood is unselfishness. When you become a mother, you are no longer the center of your own universe. You relinquish that position to your children. -Jessica Lange 

This is a beautiful song.  It was on Bones Season 2 episode 16.  I know I have at least one other song by this singer but I can't believe I've never heard this one before now.  It is about a baby and it is so touching.  I remember feeling like this when my boys were little and still do now that they are young men.... only know they know.  I used to take care of them but now my boys take care of me.  When I am in pain and can't get out of bed they make sure I have eaten or drink enough water.  They check on me like I used to check on them.  They are my life and will always be.

This song from Episode 17 is very sad.  It makes me think back to those times when I held my babies and the times I listened to them giggle, the times I cleaned up skinned knees or read bedtime stories.  Later, as they grew I admired them for their thinking and ability to do things for themselves.  Now that they are pretty much grown I know that eventually they will leave home and I'll be alone again.  Of course, I do have my husband but my heart will always long for my boys.  Right now I have a special bond with my youngest son, Son #2 who is 17.  He is a night owl like I am and sometimes when he can't sleep he will come out here and talk to me for hours.  He tells me about things that happened in school, things he learned, things he saw online and found funny, sad or interesting.  I love that boy so much.  He is very much like his dad and also looks like him. He is also like my younger brother though and he always makes me laugh.  

I just hope that when my boys leave home that they will always come back.