Feeling a little better

I have been dealing with some depression lately.  I felt like I'd fallen into a dark hole.  I know many people don't really understand depression and usually assume the person who is depressed feels sad.  It isn't always like that.  For me at least, it is more like a "suppression" of emotions.  I feel switched off.  I didn't feel sad, I felt nothing.  I didn't feel like doing any of the things I usually enjoy.  I deal with a lot of chronic pain and I use crafting and reading to get through the difficult times but for a while now I haven't felt like reading.  That is very unusual for me.  I usually read at least 4 books a month and never go anywhere without a book in my purse.  In both August and September I only read one book and it was a challenge to get through that one book in the month.  This month it is already the 12th and I've only read one chapter of a book.  I have been enjoying my newest hobby, cross stitching, but when I finished my last project I didn't feel like starting anything new.  The only thing I felt like doing was watching TV and that is unusual for me.  I've never been a big TV watcher since I prefer reading. 

Well, I have been trying desperately to find a way to get out of this funk.  I thought about making a doctor appointment but I wanted to try a few things first.  I started taking Vitamin D3 and that may have helped a little bit.  Another thing I like to do when I feel this way is make something to donate.  If I can crochet or knit something that can help someone else, that gives me something to focus on and also helps me to feel better.  Helping others always helps me to feel better.  I have a blanket I was working on in the spring to donate to a retirement home and I could pick that back up but I wasn't feeling it.  Then I saw some videos on youtube by Caroline of  Off the Grid Needlearts.  She decided to teach a friend to knit and put together some instructional videos.  One of the patterns she used was for a hat.  I knit the hat and found that I really enjoyed it.  I decided to make a bunch of these warm hats to donate to the ER for those people who come in without proper winter gear.  Here in Alaska we get very cold weather in the winter and there are a lot of homeless people who get frostbite.  Often they don't even have socks, let alone warm winter gear.  I am making them these hats with worsted weight Lion Brand Wool-Ease yarn because it is a Wool/Acrylic blend.  That yarn is warmer but doesn't require any special care.  I have two hats completed and have started another one.  I feel like this is doing me a lot of good and hope that I will eventually start feeling like my normal self again. 

My oldest son Jared modeling my 1st hat

My younger son Riley modeling my 2nd hat

My younger son Riley has a larger head and the first hat didn't fit him.  I was able to adjust the pattern to make a larger hat that did fit.  I'll make some of both sizes to donate.  There is also a mitten pattern and I think I'll try those next. 

Kickin' back today

I'm feeling odd today.  It might be caused by the new med I'm having to take but not really sure.  I told my doctor I didn't want to take gabapentin anymore since it made me feel drugged all the time even when I took the lowest dose only at night.  He decided to switch me to Lyrica but my lovely insurance company decided to screw that up.  They have 3 other drugs they insist people try before Lyrica and I've only tried 2 of them.  So I have to try Flexeril for 90 days.  It has only been about 3 days and I already don't like it for the same reason I didn't like the Gabapentin.  It turns me into a zombie.  Today, I am having trouble with my tremor acting up and I don't know why.  I don't consume anything with caffeine so I don't know what is causing it to be worse today.  I wanted to work on my cross stitch but my hands are shaking too much and I also can't write very well.

It is a beautiful day today but I'm just chillin' in my bed watching youtube videos.  I'm trying to catch up on some flosstube videos for a few people I have started to watch.  I always have to start at the beginning so I'm watching videos from 2015.  I really want to paint my toe nails but they are too far away and I just don't have the energy.  Maybe later...

I did venture out to the mailbox successfully and got two books in the mail from paperbackswap.com. I requested a book from this person and since their whole family loves to read and their house is full of books they let everyone pick a second book for free.  I got Fablehaven by Brandon Mull (book #1) and Morality for Beautiful Girls by Alexander McCall Smith.  I've read Fablehaven before and I loved it but it was a borrowed book and I want to read it again.  I did read another book or two in the series but I really can't remember now which ones I've read.  I'll just start over.  For The No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency I have only read the first book.  I already had the 2nd book and I think the one I got is the third in the series.  The title of that book is interesting.  I guess there is no Morality for plain or ugly girls.

I am usually reading all the time but I haven't read anything for a week now.  I did start a book yesterday but thanks to my new drug I fell asleep and forgot what I read.  I'll just start over.  This book is a light read so I'm hoping I'll be able to keep tracking.  Usually I finished them the same day I start them or soon after.  My drug brain may take longer.

Building Bridges

This is what I do.

When I think of all the things I want to do I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a giant ravine and what I want to do is on the other side.

It can be very depressing if you let it.

I've changed my thinking though.  It hasn't been that long since I got this inspiration.  I can change the way I do things, break things down into smaller projects or tasks and in the process I build a bridge to the other side and accomplish my goal.

The sun is shining and I am loving it so I'm slowly cleaning my house one wall, one window, one square of carpet at a time.  I used to chose a room or two to clean each day but now I know my limitations.  I think of what would make the biggest impact for me at the moment and do that.  When the sun was streaming in the window the other day I cleaned the window and put plants over there. That was the most I could do that day but it made a huge difference.  The next day I took it easy and rested. I have to recharge but I had one of my boys here so he helped.  I just had him move some things for me and take some bags of donations outside to be picked up.  He also cleaned up the entry way for me.

Today I'm vacuuming a little, dusting and running the vacuum because it has a hepa filter built in.

My living room looks great now so I am ready to move on to the kitchen/dining room area next.

I've been thinking about gardening a  lot lately too.  It seems warmer than usual right now and the sun is melting the snow.  The branches of the large spruce trees are full of snow that is slowly melting and dripping water.  From where I sit on the couch, looking through the trees, it looks like it is raining.  We usually have spring thaw in April and March is usually really sunny but still cold.  I think this is going to be a good year.  

I'm starting to plan how I will plant my garden outside.  My husband is going to get some wire fencing for me.  In the front yard we only put a decorative rail fence around the right side and planted grass in there since the neighbors on the left had something encroaching on our property.  That got moved before they sold it but the new neighbors don't seem to realize that half of what they thinks is their driveway is our yard.  I want to define that corner better and put up some wire fencing that I can plant vining plants up like sweet peas and scarlet runner beans.  I love how that looks.  I could also plants some other things over there but it is a bit of a slope.  The property is gradually sloped down towards the road and on the sides to allow water to run away from the house so I shouldn't really change that.  It could still be fixed up to look nicer.

I would also like to plant some sunflowers.  I'm going to look online to find a good variety to grow here with our short season.  I'll also look for tomato, beans, peas and lettuce.  There are so many things I'd like to plant but I really need to just pick a few things and focus on taking care of those.  I don't want to get in over my head.  My husband can't always help since he has to work.  My boys can help but they are usually not very willing helpers when it comes to yardwork.

We didn't even use our backyard last year since it rained so much so I'm anxious to get back there and clean up.  My boys mowed it but the trimming didn't get done like it should have.  My shrubs need to be cleaned up and pruned.  I want to set up an area for composting. I've watched Ray on the Praxxus55712 channel make compost and he makes it look like something I could do.  I even got a tub to try composting in the garage.  I got one of those tubs with the two hinged lids that meet in the middle so that lets some air get in there.  I put plant clippings in there and veggie scraps from the kitchen.  Oh, and coffee grounds.  My oldest son goes through a LOT of coffee.  I just can't wait to get out there.  Can you tell I'm chomping at the bit??

Cooking

It has been really cold here lately and I've been in a lot of pain.  I have been doing a lot of sleeping or just laying in bed and I'm really tired of it.  I have been trying (really hard) to focus on crocheting a fairly simple hot pad.  It has been three days and I still have to add the border.  I didn't print the instructions though and the website isn't loading right now.  I'll have to wait a while and try again later.